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Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bipolar. Show all posts

Saturday, 19 January 2013

New Movie: Silver Linings Playbook (2013)... Watch Now!


** I don't know how long you'll be able to watch this, as it's a new movie in theaters. Watch it while you can, before it gets removed.

Great movie about mental illness... main character in movie is bipolar. There's many people out there that suffer with some form of mental illness, which is a real disease that needs more people understanding and increase knowledge about.

New Movie: Silver Linings Playbook (2013)... Watch Now!


** I don't know how long you'll be able to watch this, as it's a new movie in theaters. Watch it while you can, before it gets removed.

Great movie about mental illness... main character in movie is bipolar. There's many people out there that suffer with some form of mental illness, which is a real disease that needs more people understanding and increase knowledge about.

Thursday, 29 July 2010

Stomach twists at its pit
wrenching and grinding
shoulders like diamonds
nerves of liquid silver
electrified raw
fallacy of eventual perfection
through total petrification
a risk not taken
an opportunity lost
opulent manifold future
resolved to nondescript gray
even before the chance
it may be safe
but it sure is boring
inside this tiny box




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Friday, 23 July 2010

Time. Time spent obsessing with the clock,
its back turned more often than not.

The comfort I've sought after has never felt more wrong
and these forever-minutes have never been so long.

Picture a weary, waiting girl staying sane inside her fear
I see an anxious, manic turmoil when I look into the mirror.

Appearances deceive you more often than not-
Time. Time spent. Obsessing with the clock.

The comfort I've sought after has never been less wrong,
forever-minutes composed of seconds far too long.

I see an anxious, manic turmoil when I look into the mirror...
Picture a weary, waiting girl staying sane inside her fear.






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Wednesday, 21 July 2010

My Family Dr Had Me in Tears

Normally I participate in the post it note Tuesday, but I can't bring myself to do it. I have had a terrible day and I just don't have the energy and the heart to do it. Today I had a doctor's appointment with my family doctor. I had some papers that my psychiatrist gave me to give to him. Well he was mad about that... he didn't like having to follow the list that she left for him.

I had blood work done last week through my psychiatrist, and she wanted him to discuss the results... well he wouldn't. He was actually mad that she had ordered them, and said that it wasn't necessary. She also listed for him to check my blood pressure since my feet and legs have been swelling... well he didn't do that either. I asked about the disability forms that I had brought in the week before... and he was like "what are you talking about". There were no forms... he looked around and couldn't find them.

F-U Pictures, Images and PhotosHe left and went to help out another patient... during that time the secretary actually found them (they were in a pile of papers to be filled out by him... in a filing shelf where they  belong... what a dumb ass). So he filled the sheets out... which didn't take longer then two minutes... once again a poor ass job. Well the secretary tells me it will be $40.... I was like he didn't fill out the forms properly to begin with so I shouldn't have to pay. And she was like well you needed further info therefore you owe money... and I was like he filled out the wrong forms... i had given him a book of forms originally... as a doctor he should have known which one is the right form.

Well the doctor came back out and talked down to me saying that he normally charges $200 for this form to be filled out... and that if my psychiatrist filled it out, it would have cost 3x's as much. And then he was like... "if I have to fill out any forms I will charge a fee and don't bug me about it again". I was shocked... I was speechless... and i looked down at the secretary and she was like so if you want to leave with the forms you have to pay. And I was like I have no money... and she was like then you can't have them. And I was like... I am not working... this is the whole reason why I need these forms... and she was like well go to the bank machine downstairs to get money.... and I was like well i could do that but i don't have any money to take out... I'm broke... I can't pay my rent or bills..... and by this time i was balling my eyes out crying and shaking.... and the fuckin bitch just says "oh well" and turns away. The other secretary felt bad and went to talk to the Dr.... and then she came back and said to pay whenever I can. I thanked her and left... I took the stairs cause I was too embarrassed and upset. I met my mom in her car and just lost it... was crying and hyperventilating... couldn't breath.

I can't wait to go see my psychiatrist on Monday and tell her everything that happened... she already wasn't impressed with my Dr... she had tried to get in touch with him to discuss my history, but he wouldn't give her the time of day. I have come to the conclusion I no longer will see him... he can go fuck himself.




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Monday, 19 July 2010

Today is Good

I went to see my psychiatrist today and I have another appointment next Monday. So far I am feeling good about her... she has sent me for blood work already and is setting up a sleep therapy test to check to see if I have sleep apnea. She has sent me for stuff already that my family doctor should have done long time ago. I feel good seeing her... that I may actually be able to cope with this damn illness once and for all.

So she wants me to start noting all my symptoms and when I feel the way I feel. I kind of already do that on here... always ramble on about how shitty I feel! I'm looking at this piece of paper she gave me to fill out, and all I can think is that it's driving me nuts. The boxes are irritating me... the lines.... makes me want to rip it up into many pieces... hmmm.... think I'm a little crazy. The lines aren't clean enough... the paper has photocopy marks... I must create a new one to replace this so I feel better. Anyone else like me? Have to have clean crisp paper to write on? Maybe I'm just weird.





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Saturday, 17 July 2010

I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.
Can I convince myself?
This life could all be one bad dream.
I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.
Pretend that I am happy: Beam.
Pretend I’m in good health.
I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.
Can I convince myself?






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Wednesday, 14 July 2010

My Poem was Featured on Another Site!!!!

Bipolar Speaks


I'm quite excited this afternoon... why you may ask? Well I'll tell you. One of my poems was featured on Bipolar Speaks! It's the first time that I've ever seen any of my poetry featured somewhere, and it feels awesome. If you haven't already, check out my poem MY MONSTER!

I dunno... I suddenly feel like a kid in a candy store. It could also be because I'm a little manic today... I think I forgot to take my Seroquel last night. That probably explains why I only slept 1hr last night and I'm still working like a bee!




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Anxiety

give me room to speak
give me space to breath

I have an overactive brain
I need a place to relax
to lay down and not think
if I think...I won't be sane

don't leave me sitting alone
there are things that will crawl in
eating my every thought and emotion
I'd be eaten from the bone

in a matter of minutes
don't leave me alone

don't leave me to sit and think
about the bad thoughts blazing under my skin
things that make my heart swell
before it sinks

being beaten down into my chest

makes my whole body quake
forcing me to curl onto my bed
never wanting to sleep
never wanting to wake

I want company
I want a friend
all these people you see are fake
they smile at me and talk to me
but it's a cruel facade, my curse
I can't talk to any of them
they wouldn't understand
and only make me worse

stay and distract my wondering mind
distract me from the things that make me
as crazy as I feel
when I've been confined

if you're here

and believe my lies
buying into my smile
allowing me to pretend
I never cry

maybe the lies will be true
and the smile genuine
but for now
just you
just me
just stay here
keep me company

but give me room






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Sunday, 11 July 2010

Anxiety

Cool and calm
That’s how it always starts
When I least expect it

Fear begins form in the pit of my stomach
Fingertips start to tremble
I forget to breathe
My heart beat now inconsistent

The palms of my hands generate sweat
For some reason I can’t sit still
The walls of the room rapidly close in
I restrain my self from screaming
From losing my mind
From losing all control
From losing the last bit of sanity that I have.






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Each new day
brings new anxiety
No matter the chemical,
nothing changes.
Some see happiness in sunshine,
I have seen the sun
and it’s blinding.




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Friday, 9 July 2010

Can`t Sleep

It`s going for 1am and I`m not able to sleep. I`m still at my mom`s place since today was grandma`s birthday. Dinner was nice... the family came over and we had Chinese food. I have to say since I ate that food I`m not feeling too great. My feet were already swelling cause of the heat... but now since the extra sodium my legs and feet feel like they will explode.

I have never had swelling like this before in my life. It actually started just recently with the med change. Hmmm... think related... I think so. It sucks because my doctor is on holiday`s until early next week. I took my last Effexor XR today... so tomorrow I`m on the Cymbalta. I`m not looking forward to it.

The weather here in Toronto is still hell... so incredibly humid and hot... people are actually passing out and dieing. We are supposed to have a nice storm in the morning... hopefully it will be more managable after.

My mom`s netbook is heating up on my lap and I`m already having hot flashes... gotta run.





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Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Slowly Goin Crazy!

I'm seriously losing my mind! I just spent the last friggin ten minutes on this crazy bitch's blog looking for her comment section... and the damn thing was right in front of my face! Yes... I am losing my mind... more then before!

I've been on the 37.5mg of Effexor XR and Thursday is the last pill that I take of that. I was supposed to take both the Cymbalta and Effexor this week... but after some fucked up side effects I decided to wait and start taking that once I'm off the Effexor. I dunno... I think my doc was a complete space cadet when he told me it's okay to take both at the same time. I read the drug insert and it had a warning saying DO NOT TAKE WITH VENLAFAXINE. Hmmm... that could probably explain why it was a crazy tripped out day. So lucky me Friday is the magical day that I get to be on the Cymbalta.

One Crazy Brunette ChickGo check out One Crazy Brunette Chick if you haven't already. It was her blog that I was dazing out on... it must mean tht it's just soooooo incredibly crazy! Actually it's quite commical and a shit load of swearing!

Also... if you haven't already go enter my two giveaways... or I'll have to hunt you down.





Enter to Win a $50 CSN Store Gift Certificate


Enter to Win a Personalized Work of Art

 


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Monday, 28 June 2010

Panic Attacks (Panic Disorder)

"All of a sudden, I felt a tremendous wave of fear for no reason at all. My heart was pounding, my chest hurt, and it was getting harder to breathe. I thought I was going to die."


"I'm so afraid. Every time I start to go out, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm terrified that another panic attack is coming or that some other, unknown terrible thing was going to happen."

Panic attacks may be symptoms of an anxiety disorder. These attacks are a serious health problem in the U.S. At least 20% of adult Americans, or about 60 million people, will suffer from panic attacks at some point in their lives. About 1.7% of adult Americans, or about 3 million people, will have full-blown panic disorder at some time in their lives, with the peak age at which people have their first panic attack (onset) being 15-19 years. Another fact about panic is that this symptom is strikingly different from other types of anxiety; panic attacks are so very sudden and often unexpected, appear to be unprovoked, and are often disabling.


Once someone has had a panic attack, for example, while driving, shopping in a crowded store, or riding in an elevator, he or she may develop irrational fears, called phobias, about these situations and begin to avoid them. Eventually, the pattern of avoidance and level of anxiety about another attack may reach the point at which the mere idea of doing things that preceded the first panic attack triggers future panic attacks, resulting in the individual with panic disorder being unable to drive or even step out of the house. At this stage, the person is said to have panic disorder with agoraphobia. Thus, there are two types of panic disorder, panic disorder with or without agoraphobia. Like other major illnesses, panic disorder can have a serious impact on a person's daily life unless the individual receives effective treatment.

Panic attacks in children may result in the child's grades declining, avoiding school and other separations from parents, as well as substance abuse, depression, and suicidal thoughts, plans, and/or actions.

What are panic attack symptoms and signs?

As described in the first example above, the symptoms of a panic attack appear suddenly, without any apparent cause. They may include

•racing or pounding heartbeat (palpitations);
•chest pains;
•stomach upset;
•dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea;
•difficulty breathing, a sense of feeling smothered;
•tingling or numbness in the hands;
•hot flashes or chills;
•trembling and shaking;
•dreamlike sensations or perceptual distortions;
•terror, a sense that something unimaginably horrible is about to occur and one is powerless to prevent it;
•a need to escape;
•nervousness about the possibility of losing control and doing something embarrassing;
•fear of dying.

Although the duration of a panic attack can vary greatly, it typically lasts for more than 10 minutes, is one of the most distressing conditions that a person can experience, and its symptoms can closely mimic those of a heart attack. Typically, most people who have one attack will have others, and when someone has repeated attacks with no other apparent physical or emotional cause, or feels severe anxiety about having another attack, he or she is said to have panic disorder. A number of other emotional problems can have panic attacks as a symptom. Some of these illnesses include posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, and intoxication or withdrawal from certain drugs of abuse.

Certain medical conditions, like thyroid abnormalities and anemia, as well as certain medications, like stimulants and antimalarial medications, can produce attacks of anxiety. As individuals with panic disorder seem to be at higher risk of having a heart valve abnormality called mitral valve prolapse (MVP), this possibility should be investigated by a doctor since MVP may dictate the need for special precautions to be taken when the individual is being treated for any dental problem. While the development of panic attacks have been attributed to the use of food additives like aspartame, alone or in combination with food dyes, more research is needed to better understand the role such substances may have on this disorder.


Anxiety attacks that take place while sleeping, also called nocturnal panic attacks, occur less often than panic attacks during the daytime but affect about 40%-70% of those who suffer from daytime panic attacks. This symptom is also important because people who suffer from nocturnal panic attacks tend to have more respiratory distress associated with their panic. They also tend to experience more symptoms of depression and other psychiatric disorders compared to people who do not have panic attacks at night. Nocturnal panic attacks tend to cause sufferers to wake suddenly from sleep in a state of sudden fear or dread for no apparent reason. In contrast to people with sleep apnea and other sleep disorders, sufferers of nocturnal panic can have all the other symptoms of a panic attack. The duration of nocturnal panic attacks tends to be less than 10 minutes, but it can take much longer to fully calm down for those who experience them.

While panic disorder in adolescents tends to have similar symptoms as in adults, the disorder in younger children is less likely to have the thought-based or so-called cognitive aspects. Specifically, adolescents are more likely to feel unreal or as if they are functioning in a dream-like state (derealization) or be frightened of going crazy or of dying.

What is the treatment for panic attacks?


Thanks to research, there are a variety of treatments available for controlling panic attacks, including several effective medications, and specific forms of psychotherapy. In terms of medications, specific members of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), the selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SSNRI), and the benzodiazepine families of medications are approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for effective treatment of panic disorder. Examples of such medications include sertraline (Zoloft) and paroxetine (Paxil) from the SSRI group, duloxetine (Cymbalta) and venlafaxine (Effexor) from the SSNRI group, and clonazepam (Klonopin) and lorazepam (Ativan) from the benzodiazepine group. Although alprazolam (Xanax) is often used to treat panic attacks, its short duration of action can sometimes result in having to take it several times per day. Medications from the beta-blocker family (for example, propranolol [Inderal]) are sometimes used to treat the physical symptoms associated with a panic attack.

Before SSRIs and SSNRIs became available, medications from the group known as the tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs) were often used to address panic disorder. Although TCAs have been found to be equally effective in treating panic attacks, SSRIs and SSNRIs have been proven to be safer and better tolerated, therefore TCAs are used much less often. When used in the appropriate person with close monitoring, these medications can be quite effective as part of treatment for panic disorder. However, as anything that is ingested carries risk of side effects, it is important to work closely with the prescribing doctor to decide whether treatment with medications is an appropriate intervention and if so, which medication should be administered. The person being treated should be closely monitored for the possibility of side effects that can vary from minor to severe, and in some cases even be life-threatening. Due to the possible risks to the fetus of a mother being treated for panic attacks with medication, psychotherapy should be the first treatment tried when possible in pregnant women. Some herbal supplements are being increasingly used to treat panic disorder. While the supplement kava has been found to be effective and generally safe for the treatment of mild to moderate panic disorder, care should be taken when taking dietary supplements, since many supplements are not regulated in terms of quality, content, or effectiveness.

The psychotherapy component of treatment for panic disorders is at least as important as medication treatment. In fact, research shows that psychotherapy alone or the combination of medication and psychotherapy treatment are more effective than medication alone in overcoming panic attacks. To address anxiety, cognitive behavioral therapy is widely accepted as an effective form of psychotherapy. This form of therapy seeks to help those with panic disorder identify and decrease the irrational thoughts and behaviors that reinforce panic symptoms. Behavioral techniques that are often used to decrease anxiety include relaxation techniques and gradually increasing exposure to situations that may have previously precipitated anxiety in the individual. Helping the anxiety sufferer understand the emotional forces that may have contributed to developing symptoms (panic-focused psychodynamic psychotherapy) has also been found to be effective.

Often, a combination of psychotherapy and medications produces good results. Improvement is usually noticed in a fairly short period of time, about two to three months. Thus, appropriate treatment for panic disorder can prevent panic attacks or at least substantially reduce their severity and frequency, bringing significant relief to 70%-90% of people with panic disorder.

There are also things that people with panic disorder can do to help make treatment more effective. Since substances like caffeine, alcohol, and illicit drugs can worsen panic attacks, those things should be avoided. Other tips for managing panic attacks include engaging in aerobic exercise and stress-management techniques like deep breathing and yoga, since these activities have also been found to help decrease the frequency and severity of panic attacks. Although many people breathe into a paper bag when afflicted by the hyperventilation that can be associated with panic, the benefit received may be the result of the individual believing it will help (placebo effect). Also, breathing into a paper bag when one is having trouble breathing can make matters worse when the hyperventilation is the result of conditions of oxygen deprivation, like an asthma attack or a heart attack.

In addition, people with panic disorder may need treatment for other emotional problems. Depression has often been associated with panic disorder, as have alcohol and drug abuse. Recent research also suggests that suicide attempts are more frequent in people with panic disorder. Fortunately, these problems associated with panic disorder can be overcome effectively, just like panic disorder itself.

Sadly, many people with panic attacks do not seek or receive treatment.

REFERENCES:
American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV-TR. 4th ed. Washington, D.C.: 2000.
American Psychiatric Association. Practice Guidelines for the Treatment of Patients With Panic Disorder. 2nd ed. Arlington, VA: 2009.
Campbell, S.G., and A.A. Abbass. "Chest Pain -- Consider Panic Disorder." Canadian Family Physician 53.5 May 2007: 807-808.
David, J.E., S.H. Yale, and H.J. Vidaillet. "Hyperventilation-Induced Syncope: No Need to Panic." Clinical Medicine and Research 1.2 (2003): 137-139.
Furukawa, T.A., and N. Watanabe. "Psychotherapy Plus Antidepressant for Panic Disorder With or Without Agoraphobia." The British Journal of Psychiatry 188 (2006): 305-312.
Gomez-Caminero, A., W.A. Blumentals, L.J. Russo, R.R. Brown, and R. Castilla-Puentes. "Does Panic Disorder Increase the Risk of Coronary Heart Disease? A Cohort Study of a National Managed Care Database." Psychosomatic Medicine 67 (2005): 688-691.
Goodwin, R.D., R. Lieb, M. Hoefler, H. Pfister, et at. "Panic Attack as a Risk Factor for Severe Psychopathology." American Journal of Psychiatry 161 Dec. 2004: 2207-2214.
Ham, P., D.B. Waters, and M.N. Oliver. "Treatment of Panic Disorder." American Family Physician 71.4 Feb. 15, 2005.
Kessler, R.C., W. Tat-Chiu, R. Jin, A. Meron-Ruscio, et al. "The Epidemiology of Panic Attacks, Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication." Archives of General Psychiatry 63 (2006): 415-424.
Lau, K., W.G. McLean, D.P. Williams, and C.V. Howard. "Synergistic Interactions Between Commonly Used Food Additives in a Developmental Neurotoxicity Test." Toxicological Sciences 90.1 2006: 178-187.
National Institute of Mental Health of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Saeed, S.A., R.M. Bloch, and D.J. Antonacci. "Herbal and Dietary Supplements for Treatment of Anxiety Disorders." American Family Physician 76 Aug. 2007: 549-556.
Sarisoy, G., O. Boke, A.C. Arik, and A.R. Sahin. "Panic Disorder With Nocturnal Panic Attacks: Symptoms and Comorbidities." European Psychiatry 23.3 Apr. 2008: 195-200.
Zvolensky, M.J., and N.B. Schmidt. "Introduction to Anxiety Sensitivity." Behavior Modification 31.2 (2007): 139-144.



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Sunday, 27 June 2010

Panic Attack

I had yet another panic attack last night/early this morning. I have to keep my mind busy to try to get through it, so this is what I wrote...

Im in this box
I cant get out
I claw and I kick
I scream and I shout
I try not to wimper
But I continue to pout
My fingers are bleeding
Theres dirt in my mouth
My throats closing up
Im thrashing about
Please help me god
Someone let me out.





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Tuesday, 22 June 2010

The View Of My Mind

Alone and distant from all that I feel
my mind takes vacancy from whats real,
I drift from moment to moment in fate,
for my soul to regain a conscious state.

Lost in a scary world called the mind,
no guide posts here for travellers to find.
Roads are many but which to take?
so scared to make the slightest mistake.

The signal's are blocked for normality to rise,
instead clouds of dark emotion disguise.
Oh how can one contact the child within,
so it can rise up, banish demon herein.

Losing a battle between heart and head,
crowded thoughts and feelings unsaid.
Emotions' run high for an outlet they yearn,
but scared to unlatch dark rage for it's turn.

Clinging to hope, but gripping with fear,
that one day soon my inner child will appear.
Free from past ashes, and battles not won,
clearing dark clouds by ingesting the sun.





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