Medical Update

This past week where have I been hiding?! Well... no where too exciting. I'm actually attending a day treatment at the hospital, as my anxiety and depression wasn't getting any better. It was actually getting worse, and I didn't want to wait any longer until the referral that is in a few weeks. So I've been enrolled in a day treatment program for anxiety and depression that was referred through the ER. I'm finally getting the care that I've needed for far too long. I just started the program this week on Monday, and I must say I should have done this over a year ago. Why hasn't anyone suggested this to me before?

It's a three week program that is daily, which includes a psychiatrist, social worker, group therapy, even meditated yoga. I'm still having issues with the insurance company... I'm not able to work during my condition, and it's a real headache and added stress. My medication has been changed as of today, which I will be cutting my Clonazepam from .50mg to .25mg, which is half a pill. Taking it with the new Seroquel has turned me into a zombie, and I can't function. I seem to keep zoning out out of the blue, even if I'm in the middle of a conversation. After a few days of the change in medication, I will update you on how I'm doing. For now... I'm heading to bed early, as I seem to have night terrors, and never seem to get enough sleep.

Medical Update

This past week where have I been hiding?! Well... no where too exciting. I'm actually attending a day treatment at the hospital, as my anxiety and depression wasn't getting any better. It was actually getting worse, and I didn't want to wait any longer until the referral that is in a few weeks. So I've been enrolled in a day treatment program for anxiety and depression that was referred through the ER. I'm finally getting the care that I've needed for far too long. I just started the program this week on Monday, and I must say I should have done this over a year ago. Why hasn't anyone suggested this to me before?

It's a three week program that is daily, which includes a psychiatrist, social worker, group therapy, even meditated yoga. I'm still having issues with the insurance company... I'm not able to work during my condition, and it's a real headache and added stress. My medication has been changed as of today, which I will be cutting my Clonazepam from .50mg to .25mg, which is half a pill. Taking it with the new Seroquel has turned me into a zombie, and I can't function. I seem to keep zoning out out of the blue, even if I'm in the middle of a conversation. After a few days of the change in medication, I will update you on how I'm doing. For now... I'm heading to bed early, as I seem to have night terrors, and never seem to get enough sleep.

I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.

Can I convince myself?

This life could all be one bad dream.

I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.

Pretend that I am happy: Beam.

Pretend I’m in good health.

I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.

Can I convince myself?

Night Terrors

Fear and anxiety would reign supreme
and take hold of me in my sleep and dreams.
The frightening images of evil and gore
left me numb but wait, there's more.
The demons I saw, the bloody smell,
the screams I heard, a darkened cell.
It was all too real, this awful fright,
I did not sleep and I feared the night.
When I awake there is such a fear and pain,
raging emotions, I am going insane;
suffering, pain, hurt and grief,
I get no rest, there's no relief.
These frightful images never leave my head
so I stay awake and avoid the bed.
I never seem to get a good night's rest
yet everyone tells me sleep is best;
"you need your sleep" they all say,
so I sleep and hope they've gone away.
But nothing's changed, the frights are there,
so then I'm trapped in this horror nightmare.
There's one thing I ask, hope and pray,
it's that these nightmares will finally go away
and leave me be so I can sleep in peace,
but for now I'll not rest until they cease.

Nightmare

I just woke up from the scariest nightmare I've ever had. I've been having more and more nightmares the last month or so... each one getting more retarded and scarier with every dream.

I only remember part of my dream. I remember that I was on a nice vacation somewhere... not sure if it was Cuba, Mexico, or Dominican Republic... ah doesn't really matter where it was... it was just a nice tropical place. Someone started stalking me... and then on the last day of my vacation someone grabbed me... attacked me. They were choking me... and it was so real. I wasn't able to breath... and then all of a sudden I woke up grasping for air. My throat is so raw right now... hurts like there's no tomorrow. My tongue is cracked... it's like leather. My throat is swollen... don't know if I stopped breathing when I was sleeping. All I know is that it was fucked up.

Nightmare

I went to bed early, and then woke up to a night terror... I've been having these for a while now. I'm back on my Seroquel and it really is a nightmare on it's own. Yesterday I basically slept the whole day since I felt like shit. I went to bed last night at 10:30 and then woke up screaming at 1am.

I was dreaming that I was having a nightmare. Someone broke into my apartment and I found them hovering over me in bed ready to attack. It was then that I started screaming but nothing would come out. My eyes must of been wide open for a quite while because I could my cat laying on my stomach trying to wake me up.

Earlier in the day I kept dreaming... only thing I remember from the dreams was this ghost that kept appearing. I have no idea who this person is... I have no idea why and what the meaning was... but it was freaky. She told me to lock my door... which was weird because after that I had that other nightmare of being attacked.

That's some fucked up shit... no wonder half the time I'm afraid to sleep. If I don't have a panic attack in real, I'm having crazy nightmares.

It's 8:45am Monday morning and I still haven't slept properly yet. I went to bed around midnight and woke up screaming around 1am from a nightmare. The last week or so I have noticed an increase in nightmares and I can remember them quite well. None of them made any sense, but they all had to do with people that I know or used to know in the past.

Anyone else who are on anxiety/depression medications notice an increase in night terrors or nightmares? A couple of weeks back my medication Effexor XR was increased from 150MG to 225MG, and I was also introduced to another on top of that... I think Seroquel or something like that 50MG. When I wake up from my night terror I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack... and I feel dizzy, the colours are different kind of strobe light effect, and hypersensitive hearing. It is weird... hard to explain really. Everyone thinks I'm nuts... I even think I'm nuts on this at times. Terrible side effects that scare the hell out of me.