Caught in Amber

Stillness.
A moment of nothingness becomes me.
Eager anxiety shudders within my being.
What should I do with my time?
Everything I can do here has been done now.

Sadness.
I fear that my dreams are fading away
With the warmth of the setting sun.
Momentary ineptitude infringes upon me.
Why should I continue walking this path?

Indecision.
I am entrapped within the world I have created.
I have built a cage around my potential,
Lost the key somewhere during my struggles
To become something better than my fate.

Loneliness.
Despite the commitments to the ones I love,
My heart is lonely and sad and jealous
Of those who have more than I do and
Lived life more than I thought I could.

Hatred.
Disrespect from others drives my temper
Over the lip of the ravine that contains my built-up rage.
Where do I find the answers, the reassurance?
Without help, I will be lost within my regrets.

Anticipation.
I can hope for some opportunity to present itself
Or I can take advantage of the way things are
And throw into ruin all that I have made of my life.
I am like the wasp caught in amber.

Alone and distant from all that I feel
my mind takes vacancy from whats real,
I drift from moment to moment in fate,
for my soul to regain a conscious state.

Lost in a scary world called the mind,
no guide posts here for travellers to find.
Roads are many but which to take?,
so scared to make the slightest mistake.

The signal's are blocked for normality to rise,
instead clouds of dark emotion disguise.
Oh how can one contact the child within,
so it can rise up, banish demon herein.

Losing a battle between heart and head,
crowded thoughts and feelings unsaid.
'Emotions' run high for an outlet they yearn,
but scared to unlatch dark rage for it's turn.

Clinging to hope,but gripping with fear,
that one day soon my inner child will appear.
Free from past ashes,and battles not won,
clearing dark clouds by ingesting the sun.

My Anxiety Strikes Again

The thought of you with some one else...
Kissing someone else...
Sleeping with someone else...
makes me want to scream!

It makes me want to tear my heart out,
throw it at the wall as hard as I can,
and break down into a sea of tears

The mere thought of that...
Of you with another
minces my insides
turns my knees to jelly
turns my stomache inside out...
I can feel the acid burning
just like the sting of my shattered heart

And the guilt...

why do I feel this way?
why am I so selfish?
That I cant let you be happy?
why can't I allow you to have a life?
And be happy that you are happy?

I know the answer.
I know who's to blame...
Not you
not me
Not....
Her...

Anxiety has struck again...

Still in My Heart

Smiles will hide my tears,
To make it through the day,
Somehow I always turn back to those tears of yesterday.
Laughter so sweet yet fake,
True Happiness never really found.
When lonesome I fall to the ground to cry, what to do with a broken life.
And yet, I still wait for the moment my heart will cease to pound.
Forever I dwell on my fantasies of my true love, my Romeo,
But I know that she is your Juliet.
Standing in the rain, crying, hoping that one day my heart will pay off this broken hearted debt.

Discover

There's a whole world out there with thousands of moments that I keep losing...

Dreaming of a future...
You can be a thousand things,
a princess, superhero, a pirate.
You wake up in reality.
You're only human, a mere human.

I'm Sorry But...

I hope one day,
you choke on
the shit you
talk!

Dedicated to my ex husband!

Anxiety

Caged within my own brain.
Reality mixes with fantasy,
fantasy mixes with fear.
The fear is so tangible,
copper on my tongue... so real.
The walls close in,
ceiling falls down.
The hum of my idle brain
is comforting for once.

seemingly endless
treadmill
always feeling a couple steps behind
never catching up
miles and miles to go
horizon forever shifting
when life itself becomes
relegated to a number
or, mythologically speaking
dragging a huge weight up a hill
on your back
the peak always elusive
vultures circling
storm clouds brewing
with sweat falling drop by drop
into churning anxious rivers

I am Me

I am strong
for i can cope
and take the steps i need
to control my crazy feelings
i am creative
but i let it get to me in bad ways
but that will change
and soon i'll use my imagination
for my poetry
i can solve
any problem thrown my way
if i use my skills
and really think about it
i am me
and i suffer from
major anxiety
but it's not so bad
because i can learn from it as the time passes
and one day i'll get over it
For i am me.

The Artist in Me

I paint walls over windows;
Ample amounts of Gray
Erode my mind
Without delay.

I paint walls over windows;
Free from harm's way.
But what harm
Is birthed from the day?

I paint walls over windows;
Keeps my mind at bay,
The sacrifice of the Sun,
Is the price I pay.

My Struggle

I hardly ever leave the house these days.
The past few years, to me, are just a haze.
I cannot find my way out of this maze,
And have no more constructive points to raise.

I feel the tension building up inside.
It looks to you as if I haven’t tried,
Which is untrue. I have never denied
That I have made mistakes. I have not lied –

Not to you, and not even to myself.
It’s not a choice to struggle with my health.

Against Time

Lately my life’s been really slow:
It’s like I’m standing still with nowhere to go.
But time’s moving like it did before,
Bringing changes that I’m not ready for.

The time’s moving, the new day is here,
But I’m still caged in my old fears.
I’m still stuck in troubles of the past,
Still in grief for all that didn’t last:
For all that I hoped would live for years,
For all that time forced to disappear.
Lately my life has been so bleak,
That it makes me ache and makes me weak.
It makes me wanna close my eyes and just wait;

Continuing to decline? Stand up, try to cope
Wasting minds lay misaligned
Fighting with perceptions wrath
It's no kaleidoscope
Answering the questions asked
False blooming serenity
A brief installment
Of lonely griefs involvement
Endorsing pour fulfillment
Vacating self composure
Always prescription pill bent
Every-ones look, full of joy
Your drowning in anxiety
Cold sweats and clenched teeth
Nursing a buzz till things blur
Strikingly sober stagger
Looking people in the eye
Trying to obtain yourself
Through family impressions
Gaining more interests
In expensive white canvas
And painting with no colour
When the bow breaks on us all
Cry for help like hell
See what gods will get involved
Another defenseless soul
Lost within their self
Cutting off its head
To spite its shoulders
Serendipity's over

My reality is blurred.
How can I be sure?
Is it real or is it fake?
I soon feel that I will break.
I can't take this any longer;
The pressure to be stronger.
All I feel is weak.
All my eyes see is bleak.
I keep praying for this to end.
Only to wake and repeat mistakes.

Dear Anxiety,

Without you... there would be no gravity,
I would not be able to find apprehension in any dictionary.
Hesitation would diminish and Freedom would reign.
Our heads would be weightless if you vanished.
With all the burden you are... no wonder we can't fly.

Without you, we could touch the sky without doubt,
Life would be effortless,
Fear would have no name,
You are a scar [longing to crack and spread in each of us]

You are the C A G E.
And we, the V I C T I M S.
You are the root to some of the greatest evils.
You are the inspiration to starvation,
You are the entity of vomit,
And nervous skeletons who will never be thin enough.

You are the hand itching to drugs,
You are the mouth that eats up every feeling,
You are the uncertainty of ourselves,
And some of us spend every day of their lives trying to forget about you.

You are the distorted vision in our reflections,
You are silent poison.
You replace our hearts with barbed wire,
Anxiety, you tremble within us all.

I hate you.

Stomach twists at its pit

wrenching and grinding

shoulders like diamonds

nerves of liquid silver

electrified raw

fallacy of eventual perfection

through total petrification

a risk not taken

an opportunity lost

opulent manifold future

resolved to nondescript gray

even before the chance

it may be safe

but it sure is boring

inside this tiny box

Time. Time spent obsessing with the clock,
its back turned more often than not.

The comfort I've sought after has never felt more wrong
and these forever-minutes have never been so long.

Picture a weary, waiting girl staying sane inside her fear
I see an anxious, manic turmoil when I look into the mirror.

Appearances deceive you more often than not-
Time. Time spent. Obsessing with the clock.

The comfort I've sought after has never been less wrong,
forever-minutes composed of seconds far too long.

I see an anxious, manic turmoil when I look into the mirror...
Picture a weary, waiting girl staying sane inside her fear.

I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.

Can I convince myself?

This life could all be one bad dream.

I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.

Pretend that I am happy: Beam.

Pretend I’m in good health.

I mustn’t scream. I mustn’t scream.

Can I convince myself?