Taking Back My Life

The last year I have been living a lie. I've been eating myself to death...been trapped inside a fat body. I've lost myself over the last couple years and it's time to take my life back. If you've read any of my previous blogs then you probably would have no clue that I'm ready for a divorce. I've been keeping it inside...pretending that everything was alright...well I can't do it any longer. I guess in a way...I was thinking that if I didn't say it...it would just disappear or that it was going to go away. It was a nightmare all right...and I'm ready to wake up from it.

Tomorrow I'm starting a new life...one that no longer includes me sponsoring my husband to stay in Canada. I no longer want to be married to him...I've already contacted a lawyer about a divorce. I deserve to be treated like a lady...like a human being...I have never been treated so poorly in my life until I married Rachid. At first I thought maybe he was bipolar...well I still think he is but I can't stay for him to find himself. In the process of this all I have lost who I am. I have become fatter...I no longer want to eat when I'm upset...I want to run...I want to dance...I want to smile and be healthy. Tuesday is my day off and I will be joining the gym down the street. I may be becoming poor because of the divorce...but I want to be healthy.

When you're with someone...if they love you they should accept you even if you put on 50lbs. They should love you for who you are...they shouldn't call you a huge hippo, or a fat cow or many other names that Rachid would throw at me. Instead of making fun...you should be incouraging the person to eat healthy.

The asshole is on his way home now and I have to cut this short. He will be in for a surprise tomorrow and the rest of the week when he is presented with the divorce papers. Wish me luck everyone...I definatly need it.

For the first time in a long time I had a Saturday off from work. Today is Sunday and it feels weird. It's the second day in a row that my crazy kitty woke me up early even though it's my day off. Gee Mr. Jingles...thought you knew I was off!!! He's gotten into the habit of wanting tuna every morning and has to do a little song and dance to get it I guess. I'm awake and miserable...and where is he now?! Sleeping on the fuckin couch all happy. Oh well...I love that baby!

So much for this entry...I think I will pass out now! I will hopefully write more later...that is if Rachid doesn't take my computer to get fixed.

Hope it's a better day then yesterday!

Yesterday was a day from hell!!! Everything that could of gone wrong at work did...and of course I was stuck working until closing and had to deal with it all. So far it has been a shit month when it comes to my work stats, so I figured what's another fucked up day?! Well...it sure what fucked up. One complaint after another...one long call after another...my time for the day was completly insane. I was on calls for like an hour each...plus we had a nice storm which was playing with satellite signals. I don't know why people have to call during those times and want a tech when you can clearly tell that they have no signal due to crazy snow coming down and freezing rain. Grrr to those people who made my evening hell...and grr to the people who screamed at me!!!

Okay...so I know what it's like being on the other end of the phone...that was me with Rogers! But still...common sense people. Maybe I'm the only one there who gives 100% customer service...or maybe there's only a few of us...I don't know...all I know is that yesterday I nearly lost my mind...I actually had tears in my eyes at one point.

Thank God that today is my day off! Also thank God that Thursday and Friday I have training for something instead of being on the phones! It will be a nice little break of atmosphere...I'm actually looking forward to it.

So this morning I was excited to see that I finally got my tax return...yay!!! That means that I can actually finish paying off my visa card which is fuckin awesome. I wasn't expecting it today...I wasn't expecting it for a week or so only cause I needed it....ya I know I'm a real positive person!



Oh and another reason why I was so fuckin pissed yesterday...came home from work and found that my hubby fucked my computer...yep....I no longer have access to use my usb on it. How in the world did he do this? Who knows...all I know was that it was working before I went to work. He has a bad habit of breaking things...now that I paid the credit cards off watch me have to dish out money for something else now...shit I hope the computer lasts a bit longer...at least for a while.

Anyway...I think that's enough complaining for a morning post...will continue more during my day!

Holy Fucking Shit

I'm so fuckin pissed at the moment that I can't even sleep. I've been laying in bed for a few hours now tossing and turning with stuff on my mind. I was fuckin pissed off to find out that my idiot husband broke my laptop some how while I was at work. I no longer have any usb working...and I have no idea how to fix it. Just as I was thinking that I may be able to get all my bills paid, something shitty and fucked up like this had to happen. Of course he blames me and says that my computer is too old. I was having no problems with it until he was using it. The frustration...feel like pulling my hair out with him. I love him but feel like smacking him.
Grrrrr.....pissed.

I'm sad now that none of my friends at work are working late. I feel so lonely...no one to talk to when it is slow. I guess it's a good time to read and catch up on stuff that is going on in Bell...even though I have already read it! Today I'm frustrated...I only got 80% on my quality so that means I wont qualify for any monthly blitz. I had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to catch up from that first 20% on a quality. I really should have faught that one...but I've only been here for four months so I didn't want to bother anyone. Most of the time I'm a hard worker...I try my best...but this month is garbage.

I'm also sad because no one is going my way home tonight. I'll be travelling in the dark the whole way...hate waiting for the bus alone. Oh well...that's what I get for saying I wanted to work nights. I just assumed everyone would be on nights in my group a little longer. It's kind of relaxing here in the evening...I don't want to work days. I enjoy not having anyone sit next to me!!! I shouldn't be so antisocial! Rachid is home all day today...thought he would have come to pick me up. He is always late though and I really wouldn't want to wait in the dark for him...I'd hate that more.

One more day to go and then I have a day off!! Ha! Ha! I shouldn't talk like that...I only work a couple days and then have days off...I'm just tired lately...I've put on the weight that I lost originally and I feel so sluggish. My clothes are tight again...I hate that feeling. I have to get cracking and get on a real diet and start eating healthy again. I should always eat healthy...I need a lifestyle change. I need to get motivated...and in reality that wont happen anytime soon with the idiot at home. He needs to be medicated...he's always on me about my weight. Life would be so much easier and healthy if I got back down to the weight I was when we first got married. I know I can do it...I just need a kick in the butt. I hate being this way...and summer is just around the corner.....it will be a terrible summer if I don't change now.

I'm fuckin pissed...why you may ask? Because my husband is a jackass when it comes to me wanting the computer. Who's computer is it? It's mine of course. Who pays for the internet? I do of course. It fuckin pisses me off that he has to hog the computer whenever he is home. God forbid if I need it for just five minutes...he has a temper tantrum like a little kid. I wanted the computer yesterday for five minutes to order pizza for dinner since it was easter...ya I know...wonderful easter dinner! Well, he took a fit because I was more then two minutes trying to order. Grrrr to him. He spent most of yesterday on it and playing the guitar at the same time...or I should say TRYING to play the guitar!!! The man can't even play a whole song...he plays like a bar of music...and when he realises he can't do anymore he just goes into another song...and then another song! So it's one long peice of shit I have to listen to! Even Mr Jingles can't stand what he is playing...he goes and hides in the dirty clothes thats in the closet!!!!

What is with men? Why must men do these type of things? Does it make them feel more masculine? Make them feel more of a man? I guess it's like an older middle aged man buying a motorcycle to feel more of a man. I think it just makes them look more of an idiot. Ah well....I guess I'm stuck with the torture. I need to invest in some really good earplugs!



I guess I should say HAPPY EASTER to all who read this blog! My easter was filled with lots of sleep time and torturing my cat with kisses! Ummm...ya I'm a nerd. Anyway...no really...I slept most of the day. It was nice being off and being lazy as shit. I watched a few movies on the boob tube...slept...ate pizza and then threw up after the wonderful pizza. Ya the pizza made me sick...I had ordered soy cheese but I don't think it was soy cheese...I haven't eaten real cheese in a long time and this pizza made me sick. It breaks my heart when it comes to eating or using any animal products now.


Okay...so you know how much I love animals...I couldn't resist...I had to add this pic! Isn't it adorable?!

It's Easter Monday...too bad I'm working today. I hate working on a holiday. Hopefully my mother will pick me up from work tonight...or I will have to wait forever for the bus by myself. I hate it...have taking the bus at 12am in the morning after work on a holiday...no one is around...it's always so quiet.

It's a Saturday and I'm at work...and quite early too! It's now almost the end of my shift and I have a terrible headache. Two hours to go until I get to run away! I shouldn't say it like that...I love this job. Anyway...time sure goes by too slowly though. I'm looking forward to going home, getting into my pj's and cuddling under the blankie with my furbaby Mr Jingles and watch a girlie movie.

Hmmm...I wonder what is on tonight? I hope there's a good movie or something....Oh well, I have a couple that I saved on the new pvr just cause it's fun to play around with the new toy!

@ Work

Right now I'm at work and I only have 45 minutes left until I get to run away. Today has been quite good...better than the last time I worked. The first day back is always the toughest! I'm praying that mom will pick me up from work and drive me home. She went to Glendower pharmacy for me by her house and picked up my pills that I needed refilled. I'm completly out of my crazy meds and I need them for tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Good Friday so that means no work. In a way I wish I was working cause I'd get time and a half. Oh well...just means that I can sleep in and relax watching my new Bell Expressvu at home. So far I am sooooo incredibly happy with it. I wouldn't want to deal with Rogers ever again. I almost want to switch my cell phones over to Bell now...just sick of Rogers. I have to say that satellite is a million times better than cable...even digital cable. I couldn't get over the quality of it. I've also become in love with the nice new pvr that I have at home...love to be able to pause live feed and record at the same time. I've become spoiled!

Now I have 39 minutes to go...I'm not tired at all. Wow...why am I not getting any calls? I'm logged in...just checked to see if I wasn't logged in. Hmmm...maybe a lot of people are away cause it's the Easter long weekend. Wish I was going on a trip somewhere tropical! Actually, no I wouldn't...I don't want to wear a bathing suit.

I feel quiet and lonely since none of my friends are working tonight. Everyone is either off today or worked the day shift. I have no one to talk to...sniff sniff! I can't stop looking at the clock...it's going sooooo slow. Hmmm...I wonder what I will watch on satellite tonight...if there's any good movies on.

Well I should probably do something else now...will go read something. I'll write more later.

Today I have Sinned

Today I was bad. I ordered pizza tonight...so much for eating healthy. I was craving it...I had to have it. I think I've actually put weight on...I'm probably at 240lbs right now. It's a terrible battle that I can't seem to win at the moment. I can't seem to motivate myself to cook and eat veggies...I feel unhealthy and depressed right now. My pants are tight...I feel like a huge hippo...my face is breaking out and my hair is dull. I feel guilty about what I just ate...I want to vomit it yet I can't quite manage to do it. Am I going to be fat forever? How the hell can I live like this? It doesn't help right now to have someone non stop telling me that I've gained too much weight.

Anyway...today I had the Bell Expressvu finally hooked up. I have to say it is more clear then digital cable...it's quite fuckin awesome. I'm enjoying all the new channels that I didn't have before and I can't wait to watch what happens on One Tree Hill tonight. Two months to go and then I get all the channels for free except adult and international...I'm looking forward to it!

Time to go look and see what is on the boob tube...and hopefully when I write next I will be in a better mood.

Went out with the girls last night to Sneaky Dees and it was nice and relaxing. I'm definatly glad that I didn't cancel...I had gone home from work and took a short nap...I set my alarm for almost 8pm. When it went off I was so incredibly tired that I felt like cancelling. As soon as I heard Steph's voice I remembered how much I missed hanging out. I met Steph at Bathurst station as we headed down to the restaurant...Jess and her hubby had gotten there ten minutes before we did.

I had originally invited a bunch of people and I'm so glad that the rest of them had plans. It was really nice just having the four of us there. I haven't seen Jess for at least two years...she looks great. It's sad how time flies by...always meant to get together sooner. Jess and Steph never met before...but everything went well...was almost like they knew eachother their whole lives!

Of course I had to get my veggie nachos...mmmmmmmm is all I have to say!!! I also had to wash it down with a Smirnoff Ice...been craving it for some time now.

Now that the evening has passed I can't wait until we get together again...hopefully this time we wont wait two years between our next get together!

Brain is mush...moosh...whatever...can't spell....gotta go back to bed!

Bon Jovi Concert in Toronto ACC - March 12, 2008

I have to say that March 12th was an amazing night. I went to go see Bon Jovi in concert at the ACC and it was fuckin awesome. It was the best concert I've ever been to and I will never forget it. I have to thank my mother for the best christmas gift ever!!! I ended up bringing my cousin Danielle since Rachid didn't really care if he went...I guess it's a girlie thing. We had awesome seats....as if we stayed sitting the whole night! We were in the 39th row on the floor, right next to the sound and security area. Half way through the concert Bon Jovi disappeared...a minute later he was standing next to me singing Bed of Roses!!!!

I managed to take a few small clips with my cell phone video recorder...the sound kinda of sucks and the quality isn't the greatest...but hey it's a memory that I will have forever!!!

Still Feel Like Shit

It's now Friday and I still feel like shit. My nose has stopped running which is a good thing, however, now it's in my chest a bit. Nothing worse then having that nasty mucus build up in your throat and chest. Right now I feel somewhat okay...but about two hours ago I had my head in the toilet. While Rachid was sleeping last night I was awake in the washroom sick. He just doesn't understand how sick I feel. He keeps bugging me telling me that I have to work. Thank God that I get paid for Monday and Thursday...I'm not sure about today though. Hmmm...how many sick days paid do I get? I want to try to go into work tomorrow...I have to catch up on my sales...I want to be able to qualify for my AMEX payout.

Next week is Bon Jovi concert...thank God I didn't get sick then. I definatly can't wait!!! Next week I only work three days...I get to take my lieu day on Wednesday...the day of the concert! Plus I'm getting the Expressvu installed that morning. Mr Jingles says meow to the idea of Expressvu...he's bored with the Rogers programming we have! He's looking forward to the animal planet...he loved it during the free preview that was on last month. Okay I'm losing my mind...been locked in this apartment all week sick kind of made me a little nuts!!! Man I just got a big mouthfull of cat hair...serves me right for torturing the beast with lots of kisses on his tummy!


Okay time to go see what's on the boob tube!

Fuckin Sick

I'm so incredibly sick. I've gone through two boxes of Kleenex, two big jugs of orange juice...what the fuck. I haven't been sitting at the computer for a few days...my nose doesn't stop running long enough for me to enjoy being here. I went to work Monday not feeling right...and by the time I was supposed to start working it just hit me. I couldn't stand being there...just felt so sick all of a sudden. I was burning up...that was before the sore throat and the coughing...The second day I was sick as a dog. I just kept getting worse. Now I still feel like shit...I hope that I will be okay by tomorrow to go to work. Hopefully I wont have to take another day off. I just want to get better so that it wont effect me next week when I'm supposed to go see Bon Jovi!!!

Got to go pass out now...head spinning and feel faint.

Just woke up to pee and my throat feels like leather. I'm sick of my building always being so fuckin hot. They jack up the damn heat at night that I have to sleep with a fan on and all the windows wide open. It's winter time and I'm sleeping naked with a fan aimed at the bed in order to keep from waking up in a pool of sweat.

I woke up and I swear I didn't know what day it was...I was thinking that I forgot to set my alarm for work and that I could have been late!!! I had worked an earlier shift and went shopping afterwards...normally I work till closing so it felt like I had an extra day off. Yay...still one more day off!

I have to say that I feel like shit...I'm going through major withdrawl symptoms. I've become addicted to Lorazepam/Adivan....fuck. I've been popping pills every day the last little while. I'm trying to stay away from them unless I really need them...but fuck I feel like I'm going crazy....crazier then usual!

ZZZzzzzz...sleepy....in a trance....tired but not tired....

Yay Bon Jovi is on March 12....can't wait!!! I have the whole day off for the occasion. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't get stuck working so I booked a Liu Loo Lieu day....fuck don't know how to spell it. Getting Bell ExpressVu and seeing Bon Jovi all in one day....awesome!

Okay Jingles is up to no good and have to stop him from breaking stuff as usual....and will watch tv........will write more later!

9 Crucial Safety Tips for Women

Everyone should take 5 minutes to read this. It may save your life or a loved one's life.
This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.

9 Crucial Safety Tips for Women

Because of recent abductions in daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2.If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM . Toss it away from you....
chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse.
THEN RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,
kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.
The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
4. Do not get into your car and just sit after shopping, eating, working, etc. (doing your chequebook, or making a list, etc. )

The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR , LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

If someone is in the car with a gun to your head
DO NOT DRIVE OFF,
repeat:
DO NOT DRIVE OFF!
Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you.
If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it .
As soon as the car crashes, bail out and run.
It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5 . A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:
look around you,
look into your car,
at the passenger side floor ,
and in the back seat
B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door .
Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side.
If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car,
you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs.
(Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,
ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target)4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.
RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic:
STOP! It may get you raped, or killed.
Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Crying Babies
Someone heard a crying baby on her porch and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her
'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.'
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over.
The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but had had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on -- DO NOT open the door for a crying baby
This advice should probably be taken seriously; the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted when they profiled a serial killer in Louisiana.