It's 1:30am Friday and I can't sleep. I know that I have to wake up earlier tomorrow to do overtime at work....now I'm kickin myself in the ass for sayin I'd work early. I just keep telling myself it's extra money....as if I'm going to see any of it. Damn bills keep adding up faster then I can make the money!

So today was my day off and I was supposed to have the Expressvu installed at my apartment. Well of course something royaly fucked it up! Thanks to the wonder fucked up Rogers I'm not able to install the system until March 11th. Fuck! I was so looking forward to having one of those nice PVR's to tape Big Brother and One Tree Hill. That mean's I'll have to crash a couple of nights at my mom's to watch it and grab the shows that she will tape for me. I just knew that something was going to fuck it up...I'm not in a good mood and I better get the credits that I was promised from them.

I just finished watching Juno online...excellent movie. That will have to be my next dvd for my collection....that is if I actually get the credit card paid off. I really haven't spent any money on myself in quite some time. Hopefully by the end of March everything will be 100% caught up...want it paid off in full.

I'm actually feeling better tonight....better then I was the other day. I have now realised that I'm quite dependant on Lorazepam....or the other name for it, Adivan. Fuck...I get sick if I don't take my daily dose. What the fuck do I do? I'm on 150m of Effexor XR and now I have to pop a lorazepam in order to sleep normal at night....actually....I need it even when I'm at work to relax. Am I crazy? Is this normal?

Anyway...gotta try to get some shut eye before work tomorrow. Was trying to wait up for the hubby to come home from work but really don't feel like it anymore.

Just as I'm thinking that I'm getting better and feel normal...out of the blue I have a panic attack. At the moment I feel a little out of it from the lorazepam that I took about an hour ago...but at least I feel a bit better. I hate when I'm home alone at night when Rachid is working late. Still...it's no reason to have a panic attack out of the blue. I'm not overly stressed or anything...why does this happen? Why can't I enjoy my life the way I should be able to? I feel like I'm crazy or something. Life is better now that I'm on the Effexor XR medication, but every so often I still get a panic attack.

I was sitting in bed watching CSI and boom...just like that I thought I was having a heart attack. I felt like I couldn't breath...felt like I was going to pass out...my heart started racing...my tongue tinggled...my nostrils were numb...my eyesight was like a strobe light....ya I must be crazy. It lasted like maybe ten minutes. I spoke to my mother on the phone and she tried to calm me down a bit...which worked a bit...but I still don't feel that great. Mr Jingles is laying here with me while I write in this blog. Thank God for him or I would have lost my mind long time ago.

I'm back to work tomorrow...and I'm kind of looking forward to it. It's almost the end of the month and I hope I keep up with my sales and keep my time down. I want to be able to qualify for all the bonus's...could really come in handy.

Today is a great day so far. I was snoring away enjoying my sleep when all of a sudden my cell phone rings...it was in the living room! Of course I was too lazy to get up and answer it. So for like an hour or so I kept hearing it beep. Finally I got up to get the damn thing. I just assumed it was my mom or grandmother, but realised it was Karen from my old job at Railcrew. Oh I was so excited! Time passes so quickly...it's been a year now since Railcrew closed. She's doing great...is looking for work at the moment. It would be so awesome if she worked at Bell with me!

Anyway, this is a short entry...I will write more later in the day!

I hate people and waiting on hold

I have come to the conclusion that this world is going to shit. Today I had Bell come to my place and set up my phone line, as I decided to leave Rogers and come back to Bell. I figured since I'm an employee and I get a discount it would be better to switch.

I had set it up for today...and everything went fine from Bell's end...but from the Rogers end they are still shitting on me. I called Rogers to cancel my cable tv service since the phone line was switched already(I didn't want to lose my home phone number or else I would have done both at the same time)and they asked me when I'm switching my home phone over? I was like ...what?

They told me that I wasn't able to cancel until March 28th....WHAT THE FUCK?!!!! I was like...ummm no.....it's already been cancelled. My phone service was disconnected this morning from them long before the Bell guy showed up! And then the person was like...I have no record of it...and then told me that I can't cancel my tv until I cancel my home phone or I would lose my number...by then I was already fuckin pissed...I was transfered four times by this point so I just lost it. The person told me to call back tomorrow. In conclusion...Rogers has the worst customer service I have ever experienced in my life. This isn't the first time this shit has happend with them....it's quite normal.

Anyway, the phone is set up and I'm paying about the same price but I have extra calling features. Plus it also helps that I would be getting 35% off on top of the deal that I have. Not bad eh?! I'm still waiting for my Sympatico modem to arrive in the mail...I'm looking forward to wireless internet. I have to cancel my AOL on the 27th since the contract is ending then. Everything adds up so might as well take advantage of my employee benefits and discounts.

Right now I'm relaxing at home...tired and will probably take a nap soon. I'm running on next to no sleep.

Okay so some time has passed by now. Bell came to hook up my phone line and I really have no idea why they had to come in the first place cause they didn't hook up my internet. For some reason there was a mix up and the order wasn't placed properly. At the moment I'm waiting for them to call me back to find out what is going on.
I think I will take a nap until I hear back from Bell...hopefully I'll hear something soon...

More Thinspiration

Well I have to say that tonights episode of Big Brother sucked shit. I don't like the idea of the couples...I hope they change that soon. I don't know who's idea it was but it was fuckin retarded. Oh well...it's like the only half decent show that is on right now because of the writers strike.

I have to say that I do miss shows like House and CSI. Oh shit...I just remembered that One Tree Hill is another good show that is on still. I have to watch the shows that my mom taped for me during the week that I didn't get to watch when I was working.

I'll be glad this Thursday once I get the new PVR installed. Definatly looking forward to having the satellite and recieving all the channels and movies free. Hopefully the discounts will help me save some extra money!

Tonight I was supposed to go to mom and grandma's house for dinner. Everyone was invited...Denise, Dave, Justin, Danielle, Aunt Mary and Uncle Gary. I decided to stay home because I would be tempted to eat the dressing that grandma makes that goes with the turkey. I am a real sucker for grandma's home cooking. I did however make my tofu soup tonight, and I have to say it's awesome. Mmmm...I wonder how much I can lose by the end of this week? I will be just eating veggies...no carbs...no sugar...no pop...no animal products of course and plenty of water. I wonder if I can get down to 220 by the end of this month? I highly doubt it...unless I basically starve myself. Guess it's just veggies....just eat to live and NOT LIVE TO EAT.

Dammit Tomorrow is Monday!

Today I'm glad to be home relaxing. Tomorrow I'm back to work on the evening shift and even though I like my job, I'm not exactly looking forward to working tomorrow! At the moment I'm just transfering some old info from my old aol blog to here. Thursday I'm disconecting my aol and hooking up my Bell Sympatico! It's the big day...switching the home phone, internet and cable provider all to Bell. I'm definatly looking forward to the employee perks that will come in effect in a couple months.

Rachid is working tonight so it is definatly quiet at home! Just me and Jingles keeping eachother company! Anyway...I weighed myself today and I'm at 235Lbs. If I had stuck to my diet without going off of it for like a month I would have lost a shit load of weight by now. I have lost 40Lbs in total since I started eating healthy...which is pretty good. My first main goal at the moment is to get under 200Lbs. Once I'm at 199Lbs I will set my new goal.

Anyway...I just realised Big Brother 9 is on so I'll write more later!

Thinspiration

Here are some thinspiration pics. Most people probably consider these people too thin or even anorexic...I DO NOT WANT TO BE ANOREXIC NOR DO I WANT TO GLAMORIZE ANY TYPE OF EATING DISORDERS.

Entries from a previous blog site that is closing!

Sunday, October 21, 2007
3:58:59 o'clock PM PDT Feeling Chillin'
Time Passes Too Quickly
It's yet another Sunday night and I'm writing in my journal. Time passes so quickly that I forget to leave an entry. I spent half of the week at mom's place which is also a reason I didn't write any entries. I went there Tuesday night to fix her computer, and I still have no idea what I did to it. All I know is that the internet decided to work again. Did I fix it? Or is the computer just possessed?! I also went there Thursday night since I had a doctors apointment the next day in the morning. Ya I needed my mom to drive me there or I'd probably sleep though it again! I'm famous for making apointments and then not going. I'm not exactly a morning person and fail to listen to the alarm clock when it goes off.
I have to say that the last week at work was hell. Just as I thought I was enjoying this new job, it takes a shitty turn. I have to say that I wanted to walk out of there at least a dozen times. I don't know how long I can bite my tongue towards them...but I will crack very soon. I'm about three weeks away of three months. Probation period is almost over...that is if they don't fire me. Oh well...guess I'll keep looking and keep my options open. Too bad I'm working full time this week...all morning shifts. The boss is on holidays...in a way that's a good thing. I shouldn't say it will be less stressful or I'd jinx it.

I keep dreaming of working with animals for a living. I just wish that I had the funds to get my proper education. It makes me nuts to think that I have to work shit jobs until I can financially go back to school. I want to fuckin run away from everything and start my life over as a vet assistant. Or better yet....a vet with my own practice. I can dream...just wish I could make that dream come true before I'm old.
Shit...I should head to bed now since I have to wake up early tomorrow. I pray for the strength to not walk out of the job.

Sunday, October 14, 2007
6:55:53 o'clock PM PDT Feeling Hopeful
Sunday Night
Well this was a boring weekend! It's a Sunday night and I'm not exactly looking forward to work tomorrow. I do enjoy my job, but I'm in a lazy mood right now. I hope that at least it's not raining tomorrow. I'm just getting over a cold and I don't want to chance getting sick again.
Tomorrow I'm going to mom's place to fix her computer. I'm not sure why the internet doesn't want to work...it's a brand new computer. Ah, these damn machines are a pain in the ass. Maybe it's possessed like the work computers.
It's been a week now since I've gone complete vegan. I am doing well at it. I don't crave any dairy. I can't believe how easy it is to stay away from it all. The only thing I crave is french fries from the damn fry truck at my work. That's vegan....but not healthy. It would ruin everything I've acomplished so far. Actually today I had a crousant...guess I ruined todays food intake. Fuck...I want to look good though.
Every time I want to eat fried foods or meat I just think of the book Skinny Bitch...excellent book. I have to be positive and strong....I'm doing good....keep strong.

Monday, October 8, 2007
8:55:22 o'clock AM PDT Feeling Chillin'
Happy Thanksgiving
I should really write more often in this blog...time just passes too quickly...it all just fuckin sucks! Wow, what to start with...so much has happend since my last entry.
I am now working for a company called Triple M Metal as a scale operator. It's kinda fun so far...the people are great. I've been working here now for two months and hopefully they'll keep me! It's not my dream job, but it will have to do for the moment. I'm still dreaming about working with animals...any job working with animals is my dream job. Rachid thinks it's silly that I want a job working with animals...that there isn't any money in that kind of work. Doesn't matter...it's still my dream.

Happy Turkey day everyone in North America!!!Today is Thanksgiving day and I'm not having turkey! My family got together last night to celebrate instead of today. I guess they wanted a day off after to recover from all the food. I think a lot of people do that...so much food takes a lot out of you and makes u sleepy...how in the world could you wake up early the next day and work after all that food?!!!

Rachid and I didn't end up going to my aunts place. We just stayed home since I'm just getting over a cold. I was sick all week at work and I didn't want to miss any more time, especially since it's a new job. Mom said it was a wonderful evening and that we would have enjoyed it. People kept asking where we were, so I feel a little bad. But I have to say it was worth it. Rachid and I had a wonderful romantic evening. I have to say it was a reminder of why I married Rachid!!!! Ha Ha Ha!!! I have to say it was AMASING wild sex all evening long! Our normal sex life is good but last night was amasing.

I have noticed a huge difference in Rachid's attitude lately. He is more romantic and careing again like in the early part of our relationship. I think since I gained a lot of weight it frustrated him and broke his heart. He hated seeing me depressed and not doing anything. He was getting worried and didn't know how to react. By him calling me fat he thought it would have helped me and push me to lose weight, when in reality it did the opposite. It made me upset, depressed and I ate more.
I have lost 25 Lbs so far. I had gone up to 275 Lbs at my highest weight which was scary. I started noticing health issues that was starting and new that I can't live this way any longer. My legs started swelling uncontrolably and I wasn't able to do any physical activity without being exhausted. At the moment I am 248 Lbs and still working at it. I am now a VEGAN and proud. I am looking forward to getting under 200 and wont give up. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I will learn to love life once again...I love my life.

Saturday, July 21, 2007
12:34:01 o'clock AM PDT Feeling Frustrated
Huge Hippo
Today I'm a fuckin huge hippo. I ended up eating two small pizzas for lunch. How? I have no clue. I actually think I may be pregnant, but I haven't checked yet. In the last two years that I have been married I've tried to get pregnant. I gave up long time ago and went back on the pill as I was sick of my facial hair. I have a problem that if I'm not on the pill I get more facial hair. Having to wax my chin every few weeks isn't exactly fun. Anyway, it's been two months now that I haven't had it. I was supposed to start my pills again and I just kept waiting for my period to come. Hmmm....can I be pregnant? All I know is I can't get enough Salmon and I have always hated salmon. Plus...I'm a vegitarian and today I ordered a dead cow on my pizza. Hmmm....what is wrong with me?! Think I may be pregnant guys?! I highly doubt it...I have a feeling that I wont be able to have children.
Anyway, back to why I'm writing in this email. I'm a fat cow...a huge hippo. Tomorrow I am determined to join the gym. I need to get off my ass and burn some cal. Oh, and I havce to mention that I got laid off Monday. This is good and bad. Bad as in I don't have any money coming in, but good because I wont be ordering fattening food every day at work. Okay...so I ordered pizza today...but it was the last time. I'm fuckin poor now!

Thursday, June 21, 2007
12:18:34 o'clock AM PDT Feeling Embarrassed
Fat Cow
Hello Blog Buddies,
Well today I feel like a fat cow. I can't believe I have let myself get so fuckin huge...I feel like a blimp. I have been a vegitarian now since Christmas...and do you think I lost any weight? Hell no....cause I'm a fat cow. I'm sick of eating everything that is garbage for myself...I have to eat healthy. The hot weather has finally arrived in Canada, and I must tell you I feel very uncomfortable. I feel sweaty all the time...shower a million times a day. Now I can't do anything to my hair...can't straighten it...so I have frizz like there's no tomorrow.
I weighed myself tonight....I am 262lbs. Shit...got so big so quickly.
Goal: Get under 200lbs
Rules:
Will not eat before bedtime.
Only one carb a day
No butter or margarine
No mayo
Only whole grains
Drink 8 glasses of water daily
No fast food
Only eat cheese in a salad or on a sandwich...must be low fat.
Eat fruits and veggies daily
Start exercising...take the stairs at work
Here's some ideas from Kraft:
http://www.kraftcanada.com/en/HealthyLiving/


Tuesday, May 29, 2007
9:54:05 o'clock AM PDT Feeling Angry Hearing Nothing
Tired, Sad, Pissed Off, Fuckin Moody, Have A Headache, Upset
It's day two at work and I'm so fuckin bored as usual. I'm running on no sleep since the idiot at home kept me awake all night. I think I might have have an hours rest, if that.
Yesterday Rachid went to the dentist for his first appointment to start working on his teeth. I have to say that he was terrified...good! I shouldn't really talk like that but that boy rubs me the wrong way. I have never been so stressed before in my life until I met him. He is going to be the death of me. So they pulled a tooth and filled a few cavities, as well as gave him a proper cleaning. When he went for the original cleaning it was too difficult to clean his teeth.
My anxiety is sky high right now...I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I'm completly medicated to the max right now. I don't know what to do. I feel sick...I can't sleep.

Monday, May 21, 2007
1:37:25 o'clock PM PDT Feeling Frustrated Hearing Nothing I'm at work
Exhausted, Stressed, & Fuckin Pissed
I'm counting down the minutes until it's time to go. I still have two and a half hours to go until I get to run away from this shit hole. As I expected I'm soooo incredibly exhausted from last night. Thanks to my idiot hubby I'm falling asleep at work.
"Railcrew, this is Kimberly". How many more times will I have to say this to people. God I hate being nice....I wish I could answer the phone, "what the fuck do you want?" It just feels so fake having to be nice. No one can be happy and bubbly at seven in the morning.
Me: "Railcrew, this is Kimberly"
Driver: "Can I have the Wellington dispatch please?"
Me: "Sure...can you learn what number to fuckin call"
I can't wait to get out of this place. Yes, I can't wait to leave today...but I was actually talking about when I quit this place. I'm still debating keeping this job and working two places. I'm sure I'll end up in the looney bin if I did that.
People drive me nuts here....they are really getting under my skin. Why do people have to be so annoying? Why do people have to be so bitchy. Nothing worse then a supervisor on a power trip bossing you around. I already called one a fuckin bitch today...yet I'm still here. God...what the fuck do I have to do to get fired from this place?!
I sure hope I get some sleep tonight...I really need it. Two more days to go of this shit place....maybe one. I'm still trying to decide if I will show up for day four. Should I?

Sunday, May 20, 2007
1:59:07 o'clock PM PDT Feeling Chillin' Hearing None
Another Shitty Shift

My brain is turning to mush...fallin asleep. It's just the first day of work and already I'm dying of bordom. I really didn't feel like coming in to work today, but I wanted to get paid for the holiday tomorrow. Yes I'm actually working tomorrow...so I'm expecting a fairly nice pay cheque next week.
I'm still debating if I want to show up on the fourth day. I wonder if the company will still want closers at that time? Apparently the sneaky devil owners want to transfer everything to the USA. They already have transfered most of the closing locations there. Most of us no longer have anything to do....so it makes sense to lay us off.
I of course decided to apply for work other places. I had a couple interviews while I was off. The first interview really got to me. It was for Abrams towing and I arrived there early. I walked in...said "hello". The man asked me why I was leaving my present job...I replied "they're moving to the states". His responce, "okay thank you...if we need you we'll give you a call".
The interview wasn't even a minute long. What a fuckin asshole. I knew the moment I walked in there that he was judging me....as if he's one to judge. He was wearing a dirty ripped polo shirt and he had the biggest bear belly. He just looked so greasy...just a slimey pig, who wanted to hire someone who had hooters and a nice ass to stair at.
The second interview was on a different day, and it was for Securitas security. That interview went well...I got the job! I start training on the 29th of this month. I'm a little nervous, but more excited. I need a change...I need to get out of this shit place. I haven't told my present job that I'm leaving. I'm actually waiting to do that. Waiting for what you may ask? Well waiting to fuck them over! Nah...I just want to make sure that I like this place before quitting this one. I doubt I would still have a job comea week here anyway.
I just want to hold onto my benefits a bit longer...I'll just call in sick for a week and then give my resignation. What did the company ever do for me anyway? Nothin...all I ever did was work my ass off and got nothing for it.

Saturday, May 5, 2007
7:16:34 o'clock AM PDT Feeling Hopeful Hearing None...I'm @ work
@ Work & Wanting What Everyone Else is Eating!!!
So yesterday I started my actual diary of writing down the foods I eat during the day. I have to say that I am very happy with myself so far. I drank 6 glasses of water, 739 calories, and 21g of fat for the whole day. I have to say that I'm miserable right now though!!! People ordered food here at work, and shit...does it smell so good!



The website in which I linked for calculating your daily intake (http://sparkpeople.com/myspark/mysparkstart.asp) , calculated that if I lose 2-2.5 lbs a week I can be down to my goal weight by new years. I will be excited once I get down to 200lbs. I have to go back to my doctor in three weeks and I would be soooo happy if I can manage to lose 10lbs by then. Think it's possible? I am determined to do it. He will be pleased with my start.
Today I started out with an egg white omelette, with mushrooms, green peppers, onions and tomatoes. Mmmm was it good...and to think that it was almost fat free. I also had an orange and I'm staring at my apple right now! Losing weight right now is more important then anything else. My next day off I have to go for blood work and I will stop by the 24hr gym close to my house. I'm off to a good start in eating healthy...now have to try to get into shape. I don't want to be a fatty anymore.