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Tuesday 26 October 2010

Post-it Note Tuesday... I hate today

That One Mom

It's Post it Note Tuesday again... time to play with sticky notes!
They can be fun, lighthearted, notes to self, to do lists or just plain bitch notes left for others. Your choice. Get creative.

My computer is acting up, so there will be no stickies today. I don't have the patience to re-do everything I just did. I'm so fuckin pissed off right now and feeling like shit... you have no idea.

I just caught my mother lying to me... lying to me about smoking. I thought the last week that she's been staying here that I've noticed the smell of cigarettes. But no... it didn't even dawn on me that she could be smoking again. Why would anyone smoke? It's just plain stupid. I thought to myself that the person who moved in upstairs must be a smoker, because I could smell smoke coming through the vents.

Well, this morning it just hit me and I realised my mother is smoking again. She had quite for years... and I mean like well over 10 years. While she's been staying with me, she's been saying that she has hot flashes and has been going on the balcony for air. Bullfuckin shit! I just realised this morning that she went into the bathroom and brushed her teeth right away. She was in there, and I decided to check her purse that just so happens to be on the table close... and there it was... a pack of cigarettes.

Now I didn't realise that the next conversation that I had with her, I was the parent and she was the child trying to find excuses. She lied right to my face... and I called her out. She realised she was caught... and then tried to turn it on me... no fuckin way! Of all the tricks... I know this one very very very well! Once upon a time I was a dumb teenager getting caught smoking myself! But it was seeing my best friend's mother die from lung cancer, that made me to never look at another one again... and so I thought the same with her.

I am very disappointed and heart broken... and it was just a few days ago I had said to her how happy and proud I was that she hadn't had a cigarette in over ten years since my friend's mothers funeral. I feel sick... I feel ill... I feel so depressed. To think that this week while going through everything I went through, she was secretly puffing away killing herself. Yesterday I was in so much pain... that no pain medication was actually helping... for a split second I actually considered jumping from my balcony. But no, I stopped myself... I have so much to live for.

So many fucked up emotions are going through my mind right now... really I should be in my therapy right now. I should monitored right now... shouldn't be left alone. Part of me hates my life... and part of me just wants to get better. My hormones are so fucked right now... my skin feels like it's crawling... I just want to sleep.

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. I'm doing nothing. I feel empty. I will go talk to Mr Jingles now... if it wasn't for him, I would have been gone long time ago.

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  1. Not much I can say other than I've been there.


  2. Girl, I'm sorry! There's not a lot of advice I can give...just hug the one's you help if you need it...pray. I hope it gets better...and put your mom in a time-out or ground her or something. Put your foot down!

  3. Hugs can be sent over the ether, so I'm sending one to you. At this point, make sure you just look out for you .... no-one else in your life is as important to you!

    When you're in the black hole, hard to get out of it, but having been there (often), one tip someone gave me that helps .... go outside in nature and the sunshine (if you have any) and spend even a few minutes. Another tip that helped me was .... do something simple for someone else, like helping an old neighbour sweep. Made a difference for me .... and helped get the focus of how crappy I was feeling.

  4. I am looking for my memories through the stories, the narrative of people. I feel it is difficult but I will try.
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