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Sunday 25 July 2010

I didn't sleep last night, so naturally I decided to clean under the bathroom sink. Came across an old curling iron in the box...  curling iron wields a harsh warning on the box. You should never curl your hair while sleeping. Multitasker be damned, you will not be saving any time in the morning.

My heating pad is also not a floatation device. Who knew? I had to cancel my white water rafting vacation because now I don’t have enough floatation devices. Thanks a lot SunBeam!

Do we REALLY need to be warned about such stupid things? I am sure some do but for the most part I think we grasp: Gasoline and hairspray are highly flammable; Coffee is HOT!!!

A warning that might have helped me out would have been on a container of Icy Hot one night.

I was all snuggled up and had had a long day when my shoulders and neck started aching. I decided I WANTED to smell like an 86 year old woman and slathered Icy Hot on my shoulder. True to “86 year old” form, I had to potty. Maybe it was the “reposition paper wipe” move that caused some extra Icy Hot to grace me down there, but I lit up like a college bonfire! I ran into the kitchen. Threw a skillet on her and cooked a steak before correcting the situation (I’m thrifty AND now a viral video on You Tube!!).

***Note: I am a liar; my dinner prep was a private matter. There are no video recorded logs of this incident. I apologize in advance if YOU looked on You Tube!! ***

But, as things ALWAYS do, it did get me thinking about warnings I would LOVE to see on certain things and situations.

Wouldn't it be nice to walk up to a situation or person before the BS starts and read a large warning tag attached to them/it? I made up a couple examples for you.

**On the Oreo package**

Warning tag reads:

I realize that you are considering this purchase as a “weekend treat” for the kids. But we BOTH know what will REALLY happen. After midnight the crisp milk in the fridge will beckon you. You will consume 86% of this package. This will spontaneously cause cellulite to emerge on your thighs and rear. The individual divots will be embedded with the word “Oreo”. This means no man will EVER be attracted to you unless you are entirely submerged in milk.

**On the handsome man in front of you in the store line. The one who is wearing a wedding ring and flirting with you openly**

Warning tag reads:

I am an ass. I am not separated OR getting divorced. I find you attractive and have no morals. I want in your skirt (it was a very pretty skirt, sorry for the interruption). If you have a shred of dignity and an ounce of intelligence left in your little sex depraved body, you will follow these instructions. Back your cart up whistling. Go stand in the aisle where the hairy, big chested, no bra wearing woman with 15 kids and lost hope is. Just say’n.

**On the pink jogging pants with “sexy” or “baby girl” written across the rear**

Warning tag reads:

You are 40-something for goodness sakes!! Do you really want to advertise your caboose in this manner? I know you THINK you’ll never go out in them (at least I hope you thought that!), but the day will come and you will, also ma’am, just as a side note; the slight roll to the juvenile words on display is VERY unflattering to the size appearance of your assets.
**Note: If any of these characters seem personal, they are not. They are all fictional characters made for your reading enjoyment. Any similarities between yourself and the characters are purely coincidental (if however you are feeling like you may be the Oreo package or Jogging pants, I really have no therapy to suggest for you, I’m sorry).

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  1. Girl, the crazy places your mind goes! I love it! I do believe if you opt for the oreos abandoning the warning you should definitely steer clear of the worded sweat pants! I, however, will be wearing mine in the car rider line when dropping the crumbs off at school!!

  2. Now I want Oreos....warning label or not. lol

    There is really no good time to walk around with words on your butt. Seriously people. Just stop that. Please.

    I once rubbed some icy hot on my husband's back and then didn't get it washed off all the way apparently....because later I went to rub my eye.......let me just say that it was ICY and HOT and then HOTTER!!

  3. You are very funny. It's true, though, if you eat the Oreos you can't wear the "Juicy" pants.

  4. well I suspect I fit the bill for both the oreo package and the jogging suit disclaimers, but I have enough self worth not to really care what other people think. I find you extremely clever and creative, and can't wait to read more of your posts!

  5. How true! I know people over 40 wearing that stuff.
    Hi there.
    Stopping by from Friday-Follow to thank you for signing up for the weekend comment club.
    Have a great day!


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